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Maisarah. 19 December 91. Hi♥
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Thursday, August 23, 2007, 10:59 PM
You must be wondering why i hated you so much. You must be wondering why i'm treating you so badly. You must be wondering why i'm different from the three of them. You must be wondering why i turned out this way. You must be wondering whether i hold any respect for you.you know what? i care. i do love. it's just that i dont know how to show it. i tend to show it in a wrong way. That's why sometimes, i just kept quiet. and about respect. yes, i do. i do respect you. i know sometimes, i can get a lil too rude. but i didnt mean to. i swear i didnt mean to.
At times, i guess there's still those angst love. I know it shouldnt have existed in the first place. I dont know where it came from. It just got there. when you're not there, i love missing you. but when you're there. i just feel so annoyed. why? i dont know. i sucked at this. i'm growing up. and so is this awkward feelings. we aren't that clsoe in the first place. mayb the other three are? i dont know. i feel so lousy for whatever that's happening. and you know what, sometimes, i hurt myself too. i'm sad when i start to think/wonder whether i've hurt you with the way i talked, with my words or with my reactions. i really dont know how to makes things better. i dont know.
sometimes i just feel like calling you. apologising after being so rude. but i just can't bring myself to. why? cause i'm not used to it. and so, i did nothing. just sit there and let all those guilty feeling fill me. When he told me that you're down with ____, ____ and ____. i went speechless. and barrage of questions bombarded my mind. question like ; oh my god. how are you now? are you okay? where are you? why havent you been calling? do you need any anything? is there anything i can do?
Suddenly i feel like my words have suddenly got so heavy that they're pressing my mouth into a weird unbalanced sobbing shape and, if i let them out, they'll pour down in a raucous torrent. so again, i kept those to myself. i never asked you. i never did. At times the silence between us wraps me like a quilt. Leaving me so breathless and i tend to just shut myself down from you. rebellious.
whenever you ask me out or him out. we rejected. and i suck for doin so. one side told me to go and another told me to reject. and in the end, the other stronger side got it. I know how it feels to be lonely. but i wonder how's your life is like. i never thought about it. until today. i started thinking. i started thinking about everything. Thinking about all those stuff that i never cared to before. and i'm even tryin to figure out, the most important thing. What's my problem?
My heart felt like it had quit beating. It felt like all those feelings have been drained out. and now, my mind was in an overdrive of dark thoughts. and that's killin. I seem to have a particularly responsive emotional barometer. It's touchy. So when things are good. i can almost fly. But when something gets dark and stormy i really know how to let it pain.
wrong thing shoot me at the wrong time.always.
Done.